The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency

Scene 1 Outside the Crystal Palace Hotel, Abuja, 4 VSO Volunteers are waiting to hail a taxi and stand arguing over the price for at least two minutes. White skins carry a premium unless you argue.

“Ah, you are going out tonight!”

“Yes Mma”, I replied.

Silence from the hotel owner who was the spitting image of Mma Ramotswe from the BBC version of the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency.

“Some of these taxis are no good. Ex. Pats and volunteers need to choose carefully”.

“Really Mma!”

“Yes, I am very choosy. Have you eaten?”

“No Mma.”

“Are you going to a restaurant?” Finally getting to the point.

“Yes Mma!” We had to admit. Then came the expected onslaught.

“You know we can do any food you like, just order it up, you do not need to go out to spend your money, we can give you everything at this hotel. “

“Yes Mma!”

She continued. “We have conference facilities and 24 hour internet cafe. I’ve told my marketing manager, anything you want, you can have.”

I was surprised she had a marketing manager at all but thought this was a good development for her hotel.

“Where are you going?”

“’Ketchup’ Mma, but we don’t know the address only the district. We hoped the taxi driver would know.”

“ I will get my marketing manager.”

We let the taxi we’d just secured go away whilst Mma Ramotswe telephones her marketing manager who had already left for home and drags him back to inform us where the restaurant could be found. He explains to the next taxi driver to come along and off we go. Of course what Mma didn’t know was that it was her marketing manager that recommended the restaurant in the first place...

Scene 2. Travelling by taxi in Abuja at night must be one of the most exciting pastimes one could wish for. In the absence of any extreme sports or world class theme park, travelling by taxi comes a close second.

I let my colleagues share the back seat and selfishly accept the front passenger seat as it has more room. Until that is, we set off. Aware that there isn’t a working seat belt, I rue the decision to sit in front and say a few ‘Hail Marys’ for good measure. Often with my eyes closed at Junctions.

Scene 3. ‘Ketchup’ With wall to wall Premiership football repeated continuously (everyone in Nigeria seems to support Chelsea (!)). Had a delicious chicken shwarma with fries and a Chapmans non alcoholic cocktail.

Scene 4. Hotel Lobby. Arrived back at the hotel and discussed with Mma, the merits of having some fruit or juice served at breakfast. I will inform the marketing manager she says and we wave a cheery goodnight!

Scene 5. Hotel Room. Midnight... Violently ill... Thought hotel food might be OK after all!